With great power comes great responsibility

You know that expression, "When you're a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail?"

I have a fear of turning into that. I do think that there are a fair share of frivolous law suits; people aren't afraid to appear incompetent and stupid in court. (Like this recent Bumbo seat recall?? Come ON. It says on the Bumbo, "For use only on the floor. Do not use on an elevated surface, such as a table or a counter." And yet the company still had to recall the seat to add a safety belt on it because people- you guessed it- used it on an elevated surface, and their babies suffered as a result. Gah.)

But I do have a fear of turning into an exceedingly litigious person. Especially once I know the ins and outs of litigation better. I have no desire to practice litigation, but I really am afraid that once I "have the power," I will use it for my own selfish reasons.

I wonder how lawyers balance that power with the self-restraint necessary to be taken seriously enough to actually effect justice. And maybe some don't, and that's why there are these Bumbo-like cases.  But I don't want to be like that. I filed a complaint today against a company that has been practicing some pretty shady business, especially in regards to our particular account. The excitement I got from submitting the initial phase of a civil suit was really.... frightening, actually. I worry about myself seeing everything as a fight as my education progresses.

With great power, comes great responsibility, right?

Woah, what have I gotten myself into?

This "blog" kind of functions as my personal journal, since I haven't really written in my own journal in months. I think it's still in my car. Lately, however, since time is at a premium, and I can type faster than I can write, I've been thinking that I should start a typed journal, so I would have an outlet for my thoughts. So, here it is. Personal journal + blog, I guess, for whoever decides they want to read it.

Sometimes I'm struck with certain realities- even if they have existed for a while. Like, sometimes I'll look at Madeline, who is now 5 months old, and think, oh holy god, I have a daughter. Woah.

Or right now, I'm sitting in the law library at school, and I looked around at the stacks of books surrounding me and thought, woah. I'm in law school. I've dreamt about this for years now, and always kind of looked upon "law students" with a certain kind of awe and admiration. And here I AM. Woah.

Sometimes these thoughts are kind of overwhelming. Sometimes they're reassuring. I used to think that I'd never want children, or if I did, I would not be able to, for whatever reason. So sometimes I have to remind myself that not only did I become pregnant, but I carried a child to term, delivered her, and she's right there. And I have to feed her, and play with her, and sing to her.... it can be overwhelming, but mostly, it's reassuring. I did it. And she's here. And it's amazing.

Law school is the same way. I took the LSAT. I wrote the personal statements. I filled out all of the applications. I signed my offer/award letter. I registered for classes. And now I'm here. And I have a bunch of work to do.

Woah. What have I gotten myself into?

A balancing act...

Having already gone through one condensed class, Criminal Law, this summer, I feel like I should be better prepared for this semester. But a rather disappointing grade (which is a fine grade in law school-- that's not the issue. I thought I did better, so I'm disappointed in myself) has shown me that I have to be better, I have to push myself harder, but I have to balance that with my first priority- my daughter.

Professor Mahmud says that in order to balance our obligations, we have to be effective at time management. Absolutely. But he takes it one step further: he says that we have to know what we are supposed to be doing at any point in the day. I find this to be an impossibility. For example, as of right now, Madeline is sleeping and I have finished all I set out to do today. I don't know when she will wake up, and I have many options. I could start work for Wednesday, I could watch TV, I could take a nap, I could continue to write this post. Any of these options are efficient. Any of them would make me a more effective student and a more effective mother. Except maybe TV. But we all need to relax a bit, right?

This is my fundamental balancing act-- how to be the most effective law student while being the most effective mother. I can't be the best student. I can't be the best mother. But I have to find a way to maximize both while not letting the other slide. This is extremely difficult.

I've signed up with an attorney-mother mentoring program, and I'm hoping to find some tools in that arena that will help me. But for now, I have to learn to let go of my insane studentness and embrace more fully my mom-ness.