Sometimes, you just have to forgive yourself.

Much needed good advice, given to me by my Civil Procedure professor. 

I feel like I really need to do that this week. I've been extremely fortunate to have had a "let down" in the amount of work and the classes this month (my Civ Pro professor is on a short maternity leave, leaving just the "easier" class, and legal writing.) I honestly cannot imagine trying to keep up with all three classes while battling that nasty cold and moving to our new house, all while entertaining house guests. 

My Contracts professor says that "deep, abdominal breathing" is the key to any lawyer's success. Probably any law student's, too. So this is me, breathing deeply, and forgiving myself for all that I did, or did not do, over the past two weeks: 

I forgive myself for not spending as much time as I should have with my Madeline. For putting her in her bouncer while I packed, or cleaned, or sat down for a few minutes. For being less-than-patient with her when she was fussy, and for putting her to bed without an extra few kisses or a story. I forgive myself for sighing when I heard her wake up this afternoon, thinking, "I wish I had another hour to get things done."

I forgive myself for not working on my Contracts outline, even though I know that the more that I wait, the more daunting a task it will be. I forgive myself for being so lazy and tired today that I looked up the cases online instead of taking notes on them myself. I forgive myself for sitting in my car a little longer tonight, trying to savor an extra few minutes of quiet before heading in to school. I forgive myself for doing my legal writing research at the last minute, and crossing my fingers that it will be good enough to not let my group down at our presentation on Saturday. 

I forgive myself for not pulling my weight in my marriage. For having Dan stay home with Madeline tomorrow, even though he's supposed to be working, so that I can go to a luncheon with mother-lawyers, and then to school. I forgive myself for leaving him a list of things to do while I'm in class tonight, even though I did not do as much unpacking today as I should have, and for leaving home tonight without an extra "I love you."

This is kind of overwhelming to look at all together. So, I forgive myself for tearing up a little when confronted with my shortcomings this week. 

A fully-loaded, Thanksgiving-sized plate

I might have taken on too much.

Because law student-mom-wife isn't enough, apparently, we just bought a house. It's beautiful, and bigger (lord knows we need the space!), and in a better area, and it's OURS! Hooray! But, jeez, man. Buying a house is stressful. The huge checks we have to write, the thought that this awesome and exciting new step comes with a lot of potential problems, the daunting thought of MOVING right in the middle of midterms..... ugh. 

On the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, I scored a 243 (300 + is "at high risk" for stress-induced illness) for events that have happened within the last 14 months. I am NOT complaining, though. I am thankful that all of these events were awesome, wonderfully life-changing events (marriage, baby, moving, school, house, etc). But man, it's a hell of a lot to go through in a short time. I liken it to Thanksgiving. So much amazing food, but a stomach that can't quite handle all of it. It's a shame that all of these great, exciting changes take such a toll on my stress level. To the point where I'm feeling it, physically.

And it IS stressful. I had a bit of a breakdown last night. And it took a bit of time today to realize that all of these changes are GOOD. That I am blessed. Even though my plate is full, my cup runneth over. 

Momma said there'd be days like this.

Or so the song goes.

People say in the midst of law school (is this the midst? I'm not sure. It's only week 4) that one has to sometimes take a step back and think about the reasons for coming in the first place, and that if we were smart enough to get into law school, we are smart enough to get through law school.

Erin, you were smart enough to get into law school, so you're smart enough to get through it.
Remember, you want to get through this because this is what you are called to do. You are going to advocate for those who can't do it for themselves. That's it. Not big law, not partner-track, just for the disenfranchised. You don't have to be in the top 10%, you just have to pass.

Right.

What a horrible, discouraging day.

A note about professionalism...

Before I started law school, I read in one of those "Read this before you start law school" books about how law school, a professional school, differs from other realms of graduate and undergraduate study. Everyone knows that it's an overwhelming amount of work, that competition is fierce, and that the people with whom you are in class are the people with whom you will work in the near future. Reputation building starts now. What I was not aware of, however, is how one's reputation is pretty much cemented beginning on the very first day, or at least by the end of the very first class, which, in my case, was Criminal Law this summer. How you dress, how you comport yourself, the way you talk to others build your reputation, and once this has been built, it's very hard to change.

Maybe I'm being too judgmental. I know that there are people in "nontraditional roles" here, just as I am. There are mothers, fathers, grandparents, people who work full time, or a combination thereof. I understand being so overwhelmed with the other stuff that how you present yourself may take on less importance.

But it really shouldn't.

There are a few students- perhaps one of the 22 year-olds, perhaps older- who regularly wear low-ride jeans (is that even the term anymore?), baseball caps backwards, track suits, extremely tight dresses, enormous high heels, and even those see-through-off-the-shoulder things that my former high school students had to cover up before they could attend school.

I may be judgmental, but, being that this is a professional school, and we are preparing ourselves to be professionals, we should at least make the effort, as they say, to "dress for the job that you want, not the job that you have." I may have spit-up and baby drool on me, but I do attempt to look a little more professional than I would if I were spending the day at home.

Second, the intense competition can make some people go crazy. I get that. Yet having taught high school for several years, I am familiar with today's high school students. And here, I am finding myself feeling right at home. As in with high school students. It's a little... disenchanting, actually. I look up to law students. I've wanted to be one for so long. But in the end, I guess we are all students, and in that general forum, we start to act just like students. With all the cliques, "popular kids," and other labeled people that come with it.

I don't like the feeling that I'm being compared with others. I HATE the "grade talk" that is inevitable after each term when grades are posted (Really? Joe-Bob got an A? SO WHAT!?), and I intensely despise the feeling that I'm being judged each and every time I talk, walk, move, breathe, type, eat, drink....

Even though I do the same thing.

There's got to be a middle ground here. There's got to be a way to retain some semblance of intellectual decorum while working with people whom I find to be... unpleasant. This, I know, is something that is never going to change-- even in the professional world.

There's got to be a balance here.

Great Women: A Thank You Letter

"If farmers and blacksmiths could win independence from an empire … if immigrants could leave behind everything they knew for a better life on our shores…if women could be dragged to jail for seeking the vote…if a generation could defeat a depression, and define greatness for all time … if a young preacher could lift us to the mountaintop with his righteous dream … and if proud Americans can be who they are and boldly stand at the altar with who they love…then surely, surely we can give everyone in this country a fair chance at that great American Dream.

Because in the end, more than anything else, that is the story of this country – the story of unwavering hope grounded in unyielding struggle."

Michelle Obama's speech at the DNC yesterday moved me, and many others, to tears.

Watching her started me thinking about the women in my life (or who I get to watch speak, or who I get to read about) who inspire me. Michelle Obama is one of my heroes. So is Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And my former French professor, Lorie. And my current Civil Procedure professor, Professor Coleman. And my mom. Definitely.

I want to talk about these amazing women who have done amazing things. Who have forged paths for women like me, who were pioneers for women in "men's professions," and who have accomplished great things... all while raising children.

Michelle Obama-- mother of two girls and First Lady of the United States. As a lawyer, she advocated for low-income families and worked in the public sector. She manages to balance her very public life as First Lady with her self-described job as "mom-in-chief." If Michelle Obama can find a balance in her life between her job and her children, I can, too. Thank you, Mrs. Obama.

An excerpt from the Biography article on Justice Ginsburg:
At Harvard, Ruth learned to balance life as a mother and her new role as a law student. She also encountered a very male-dominated, hostile environment, with only eight females in her class of 500. The women were chided by the law school's dean for taking the places of qualified males. But Ruth pressed on and excelled academically, eventually becoming the first female member of the prestigious legal journal, the Harvard Law Review.
Justice Ginsburg did it. At Harvard, no less. As a pioneer for women in the legal profession. All I have to do is get through law school. Thank you for paving this road, Justice Ginsburg. 

Lorie taught me to work hard. To find time for things I love, but at the end of the day, to just do what needs to be done, step by step. Lorie worked on and received her PhD while raising her two (wonderful) girls. Thank you, Lorie, for showing me that we CAN do anything we set our minds to- step by step.

Professor Coleman is a force to be reckoned with. One of the first things she said to me was about the importance of maintaining professionalism while balancing the obligations of being a mother, a woman, and an attorney. I don't know much about her other than what I've read about her (and I've read a LOT-- she is amazing.) But I look forward to learning much from her not only about Civil Procedure, but about balance as well. I look forward to each and every class, Professor. Thank you for what you have done in these three weeks thus far, and what you will do this semester. 

And my mommy. Who raised two (pretty cool) girls who love to explore, to learn, to help others. She instilled compassion in us, taught us to empathize with others, and taught us to honor our families and traditions. And she did it all by herself. I hope I can be just the tiniest bit the kind of mother she is. Thank you for everything, mommy. 

Thinking about what these great women have achieved gives me strength and courage to know that I can do this. It's been done before, and I can do it again. Step-by-step. 



(And having an amazing, supportive husband doesn't hurt, either. I'll love you forever, Dan. Thank you.)

With great power comes great responsibility

You know that expression, "When you're a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail?"

I have a fear of turning into that. I do think that there are a fair share of frivolous law suits; people aren't afraid to appear incompetent and stupid in court. (Like this recent Bumbo seat recall?? Come ON. It says on the Bumbo, "For use only on the floor. Do not use on an elevated surface, such as a table or a counter." And yet the company still had to recall the seat to add a safety belt on it because people- you guessed it- used it on an elevated surface, and their babies suffered as a result. Gah.)

But I do have a fear of turning into an exceedingly litigious person. Especially once I know the ins and outs of litigation better. I have no desire to practice litigation, but I really am afraid that once I "have the power," I will use it for my own selfish reasons.

I wonder how lawyers balance that power with the self-restraint necessary to be taken seriously enough to actually effect justice. And maybe some don't, and that's why there are these Bumbo-like cases.  But I don't want to be like that. I filed a complaint today against a company that has been practicing some pretty shady business, especially in regards to our particular account. The excitement I got from submitting the initial phase of a civil suit was really.... frightening, actually. I worry about myself seeing everything as a fight as my education progresses.

With great power, comes great responsibility, right?

Woah, what have I gotten myself into?

This "blog" kind of functions as my personal journal, since I haven't really written in my own journal in months. I think it's still in my car. Lately, however, since time is at a premium, and I can type faster than I can write, I've been thinking that I should start a typed journal, so I would have an outlet for my thoughts. So, here it is. Personal journal + blog, I guess, for whoever decides they want to read it.

Sometimes I'm struck with certain realities- even if they have existed for a while. Like, sometimes I'll look at Madeline, who is now 5 months old, and think, oh holy god, I have a daughter. Woah.

Or right now, I'm sitting in the law library at school, and I looked around at the stacks of books surrounding me and thought, woah. I'm in law school. I've dreamt about this for years now, and always kind of looked upon "law students" with a certain kind of awe and admiration. And here I AM. Woah.

Sometimes these thoughts are kind of overwhelming. Sometimes they're reassuring. I used to think that I'd never want children, or if I did, I would not be able to, for whatever reason. So sometimes I have to remind myself that not only did I become pregnant, but I carried a child to term, delivered her, and she's right there. And I have to feed her, and play with her, and sing to her.... it can be overwhelming, but mostly, it's reassuring. I did it. And she's here. And it's amazing.

Law school is the same way. I took the LSAT. I wrote the personal statements. I filled out all of the applications. I signed my offer/award letter. I registered for classes. And now I'm here. And I have a bunch of work to do.

Woah. What have I gotten myself into?